Today, I spent most of my day reading every single one of my old deviantART journals. To be honest, I mainly did it to remove some things I once said that I no longer feel - I didn't do that with everything, but I focused on a few subjects. But ultimately, it became about much more than that.
The time I have spent here on deviantART has meant so much to me. My memory has been bad for a while, and I had forgotten a lot about what I use to do here, and what it meant to me. In the course of a day, I've watched myself grow up from 14 years old in the form of dA journals, dealing with my life and the sicknesses I've had. There was a lot of happiness in there too, but looking back, I've come to realize so much.
My sicknesses have taken a bigger toll on my life than I remembered. My headaches are still more frequent than I'd like them to be, but three major events have happened that have attributed to me being as I am today: my thyroid surgery, my bronchitis and my tuberculosis.
The bronchitis, I had for nearly a year. I was coughing every single day and rarely had a break from it. It was awful and draining.
The tuberculosis meds were another awful experience, as it threw off my body in so many ways and just.. it just tore me down, I remember it.
And the thyroid surgery. Ever since then, I've changed. I became lazy and unmotivated. Reading my journals up to the point I quit made me realize how bad I declined.
I also had a kidney stone not too long after I decided to quit. It seemed to correspond with intense pain I was having a year prior, which sucks, but maybe wasn't as bad in comparison to the others.
And I've changed so much, not only in health but in personality. I've been through all sorts of new things, feelings and experiences ever since I quit. And one thing I miss about how I use to be: I would talk about what's going on in my life.
I've been incredibly quiet for so long with the exception of Twitter, which I often post my random thoughts to. I've missed that - getting my thoughts out there, no matter how insignificant. They aren't things I want to bother friends with directly, but just knowing I wrote it - and whether or not people would see it, it being out there - I don't know, it just seems nice.
Speaking of friends, I've still missed a lot of things from my friends here. Fortunately I've gotten back into contact with some, but it feels so dead here now. Not sure how I feel about that.
But, maybe it's for the best. Reading the journals, there were numerous times where I was just stressed out trying to make my friends happy and putting them above all else. I love making people happy, but perhaps the fact I have less close friends now is simply for the best. Even now, I struggle with hanging out with friends or trying to get work done on what I'm passionate about.
It is better to not have too many friends, 'lest you'll spread yourself too thin.
I've changed a lot since I was 14 years old, joining this site for the first time. One of the strongest connections I have to that girl now are my dreams - the dream to get my characters out there, make something special, and celebrate my life in the only way I know how: through them. Because a social life hasn't been something I've been able to have(and maybe I'll share that another time), these characters I've made over the years are a massive reflection of myself. If I could accomplish nothing else in my life, I think having my characters and webcomic out there would be enough.
I have so much to say, yet I'm running out of things to say. It's been a crazy day. Maybe I'll come back, do what I can for the few people left here and keep writing my thoughts when they're more than what Twitter can handle.
P.S. that art challenge completely failed, lol.